Literary Device #142: Repetition of "I"

      I’ve noticed one thing about myself lately. No.. not even “lately”, just in general. It’s that I like to rely on people. Whether it be for simple things like waking me up, to the more important things like finding reasons to live. Now I’m not suicidal, in fact I had to use spell check to spell that word, but I am tired. Tired of waking up everyday and going through the motions and not knowing why. Tired of finding myself at the end of the day, without reason without motivation. I use to look to my heart for the “why” in life. Why I should continue on and keep going. but as of late I’ve think I’ve lost touch with my heart. It’s feeling a little colder than I last remember. so I need to start looking into myself for the “why” I need to keep going not for the love I keep chasing, but I need to start doing it for me, otherwise I wont be able to keep going, I wont survive.
       I haven’t earned the right to complain. I look around and I see others that are moving forward, moving forward in the world that seems to want to keep them back. And if they can move forward with everything keeping them down. Why am I standing? Standing still, unmoving. Unmoving but still feeling. I haven’t earned the right to complain. It’s a bad feeling when you look around and you notice you’re in a hole that you can’t get out of. It’s even worse when you look down, and you see a shovel in your hand. I haven’t earned the right to complain, and I haven’t earned the right to ask for help. But here I am.. complaining.. and asking for help.

libera me.

similar to too many posts it seems.. this is merely a reminder post..

rachael hulme..
permit/driving..
olymipcs..
california/reception..
scarlet letter..
"student schedule"..
worms armageddon..
"connection club"..

and a few others.

p.s. 2:39:08 AM when posting.

do the impossible, see the invisible. RAW RAW FIGHT THE POWER!

quite possibly the first time i am going to post while talking to someone. im still listening to a single song on repeat. this time it just happens to be "libera me from hell" with thanks to billy for the reminder. so today i really wanted to get a post in. for many reasons actually. one of them being.. blogging in general popping up a lot. that one i wont explain. but let's just say it's just a little less of actual blogging.. and more of just getting thoughts down that im referencing to. another reason that i wanted to blog.. is that it just felt a little more safe. in such a regard that less people (for those that were reading it..) are now.. not reading. i know that i could just make it private. but that would be beside one of the points i made this blog for. if that were the case i could just sit down and type into anywhere and just not let people know of its existence. but i do want to let people know of my thoughts. so matter how jumbled they are. its all for the willing.

(long pause)

maybe i shouldnt talk to people as i blog. ahaha. oh wells. ill continue after i sign off of AIM.

(long pause)

alright. im am sooooo sorry. to whom may ever read this. and to me. but its 5 39AM and a bit late.. sooo ill continue this later.

kiss and make up.

hopefully the longer posts i had up before will compensate for my lack of actual posts the last two days. it is still sunday to me right now.. and this is what went down.

saturday
went to alex's house then to see the dark knight.
-stayed in the pool for a good amount of time.
-got worms armageddon for alex's bedroom computer.
-hit my first ball with an actual pitch to me with a baseball bat.
-had lots of fun with kyle, kim, eilene, alex, nick, and tyler.
-the movie was FREAKING AWESOME. batman begins was really good. but the dark knight was just soo.. different..
-played worms online with eilene and jeff.
-talked for a long time about random stuff with eilene. (not good idea. didn't sleep till late)

sunday
woke up late and tired.
-figured out how to change the QoS to double my internet speed. (woooo!)
-almost finished drug and alcohol test.
-wasn't able to start the scarlet letter yet.
-wished billy a happy early birthday,
-wished billy a happy birthday. (12:00:13 AM)
-made billy a cake using mspaint (online version, since im on xubuntu)

happy birthday billy! i really want to say that you don't know how much you really deserve. but i wont in hopes that you do. a great person, a great friend. and quite possibly the greatest lifelines you can talk to.

erm.. sorry?

merely posting tonight for the purpose of saying that i can not post any more than this. it is 12:45 am and i have a big day ahead of me tomorrow. going to see THE DARK KNIGHT! with... kim kyle alex nick tyler eilene her friends and the rest of the people who are going to the 7 10pm showing at rave theater the 26th of july of the year 2008!

i know that last sentence had horrible formatting. but oh wells. peace out!

most absentee.

so about mid-way through the last blog post i noticed that the music i had going wasn't on repeat and hadn't been playing for a little bit. that made me realize that obviously the music isn't essential, but also that i did want it there. between the choice of music or not. i turned it back on, this time with the repeat going. like a friend of mine. lyrics and beat play a big role in the music i listen too. it helps me type a bit more by blocking the outside world just for a little while.

a good example of what im about to write about is the paragraph right above this one. these posts aren't really meant to be read. i don't mind too much if they are. but if ever things become dry or too lengthy. just remember. just typing helps me get a few things out. so most of the time my hands don't stop moving when i write those long posts. i fear that this post might be short.. for the time crunch. but i might just lose myself in the post, just typing away. also the post might be short because of the headache i am currently developing.. oh noes..

today started off just like most of the other days i''ve been writing about. my summer's aren't usually filled with exciting details. i planned to take the drug and alcohol course today, but unknowning i had to hae my social security number handy for when i actually started the course. even though it was all done and payed for. when i click the button to start it up. it requested my address and more additional information which included my ss number. i knew all the information off the top of my head. but i had not yet memorized that oh so important 10 digits i needed. so that plan was held at a dead stop. and my virtual school courses still need approval from my guidance counselor, so that probably won't lift off the ground until i can get a ride to school and schedule some sort of arrangement with her.

a couple interesting notes to add in to today's post is that i took a few iq tests online. most iq tests you'll find online aren't at all credible and are probably made by a person bored that day. it is interesting to take some of these tests though. the questions they ask make you actually use your brain sometimes. or at least that was the case for the most recent one i found. i liked taking this one over others for one.. because it seemed a lot more reliable and credible. it was made by the one of few high iq societies. to gain membership you must be within the top 5% of the population. (an iq of 124+) when i saw this. it motivated me to beat that score. mostly because they had the number right there in front of me and i really wanted to prove something. to do it, just for the sake of doing it. the first time around i got 115. dang not good enough yet. they gave me a choice of taking the normal test. which was used to more correctly identify people of the 100 range or the ta3 test which more accurately judged those of higher iq's. next i took the ta3. and it wasn't that much different than the first test and i got a 111. i read that the questions they had on the test (36 total, 6 for each subsection) were randomly selected from a larger pool of questions for a mathematical total of 2.4 billion different test to be taken. now that isn't that impressive seeing as just replacing one question for another counts as a "different" test. after reading this, i took the easier test for a 2nd time. and finally got a score of 126! then kim enlightened me to the 79 dollars payment fee to become a member of the society. oh wells. im just glad i have some sort of number to ponder about. iq tests in my opinion don't do much. it is more of just a fun fact for me to have. at that point i started to spread around the iq test to people that were willing and got kim, nick, and rachael to be interested in it. kim took it four times like i did. (i got 131 for my last time) and got an average of 106. rachael took it next and took both tests for an average of 122. (easy,120/ ta3,124) nick started the easy one but the power went out cause of the storm and rebooted his computer to eventually get a score of 132. then with the ta3 test got a 124 for an average of 128.

also today.. alex contacted kim to let me know that he wanted to talk about plans for saturday. i called his cell and house phone and got no answer for either. at 10 47am i got a wall post though tell me to call back because he was too late to get the house call. so i did and got him while he was playing soldier front. after we got past the fact that my computer was too slow to even start playing it, i got him interested in worms armageddon. he said he was going to call back at 3-ish but it never came.. with alex having a slight interest in the game. i rekindled kim's early interest and got her to download and install it. tomorrow i expect to have some match against her and maybe alex too.

and although i did have that reminder of "RACHAEL!" yesterday.. it's getting late and i want some sleep so ill talk about that tomorrow.. -maybe. and same for the wedding reception. the reception that was oh so fun!

p.s. 1:07:54 AM when posting this post... night night.
p.p.s. "everclear - the boys are back in town" currently playing.